Supporting Children of Divorced Parents

If you’re like me and move to a new city every few years chances are you’ve had to try to make friends all over again…a slow process sometimes. When you work it is easier to meet people but again, it takes a time. I have met some interesting people who share similar interests in outdoor activities through the meet up forums.But maybe this was because it was outside India.

I decided to browse for a support group for a friend who happens to be recently divorced and is moving to new city (within India). My next step was of course to look for support services for her son…I should have known better…

All I could find were groups with a list of single men willing to try anything, never mind the divorce! My first reaction was to burst out laughing (which I did) but then I sobered down.

If it is so difficult to have a support group for divorced women, how on earth will I find supportive activities for her child? It brings to mind my other friend here, who spends a good chunk of his time mentoring a young boy from his son’s school—because the boy’s dad is not in the picture. My friend helps the young man with his homework, and attends his football games along with his children’s games.

My friend’s wife takes the time and effort to cook the young man’s favorite dishes and is available to pick him up or drop him off for appointments—the same as her children. There is neither a monetary exchange nor a religious requirement, just a human need fulfilled without any expectation or obligation.

I know many of us are open to helping young children whose parent has died. We often don’t extend that support to children of divorced parents. But to get that stage we have to first begin to treat the divorced parent, especially women with respect. Not that men don’t  deserve respect but let’s be honest, our society does treat divorced women as second class subjects:(

Ms. S

Books on Teaching Self Awareness

One of my favorite things about working with young children is how much they enjoy sharing their thoughts and ideas. “I have something to say, I have something to say…” gives you a peek into their thought processes and you learn how much they change as they grow older.

Currently I am being entertained by my nine year old nephew who is fascinated by the Chernobyl Effect. Just this morning he had something to say as my husband and I were talking. “Excuse me, aunt…, I hope you don’t mind but can we talk about nuclear reactors for a few minutes now? I waited like you asked me to earlier but now I really have something interesting to say,” and skillfully engaged us in a conversation on his favorite topic. I had noticed that he has a lot to share and is very aware of when to wait and when to interrupt.

Sometime later I was reading up on some books I collected for work—most of these are raising children’s awareness about the importance of social skills and how to practice the same.

I happened to start with “My Mouth is a Volcano” by Julia Cook, because the title caught my imagination, and I had heard good things about the book.

The book is about young Louis who just has to share his thoughts as soon as they come to mind. It is a wonderful book to help children understand why it is important to wait for their turn and how to hold on to their thoughts when others are speaking.

Your child is bound to empathize and learn along with Louis.

Another book in Julia Cook's series is "Sorry, I Forgot to Ask!" Sound familiar? This is about teaching children the importance of asking permission before engaging in a task and how to make an apology...not just saying sorry.

RJ and his friend decide to walk home from school instead of taking the bus—without asking permission. This touched a personal chord in me because my friend and I did this exact same thing when I was in primary school. We were oblivious to how our parents would feel and react. It took adulthood to really understand the ramifications of our action (as we lived in a country going through some political turmoil at that time). 

When RJ forgets to ask for permission at other times, his parents and teachers work with him on understanding why it is important to ask for permission and how to apologize so he doesn't repeat the behavior.

I will add more reviews as I read them.

Ms. S

Self Awareness

“If you could change any one part of your body what would it be?”

A group of teachers sat around chatting after our school dismissal. One teacher said she’d want a smaller waist (who doesn’t?) and another wanted a nose job. I said I’d be happy to exchange my feet and the next instant all eyes in the room were drawn to my feet. “Your feet!!! This is the first I’ve heard someone say they feel self conscious about their feet!” my friend burst out laughing.

Needless to say we all have something we’d like to change about our appearance. Take it further and there is something we’d like to change in our personalities. As adults most of us have reached a point where we can accept who we are and we carry on from there. Our innate tendencies and the people in our lives-parents, siblings, teachers, and friends contribute to this acceptance.

As parents and teachers we have to put more conscious thought into developing this acceptance in our children. The first step in developing acceptance is learning to be self aware.

And how do we do that? Start by validating the child’s feelings of joy, anger, frustration... Of course joy and happiness are easy to identify. But angry outbursts can mask frustration, embarrassment, jealousy, unhappiness, and feelings of inadequacy. Clarifying the feelings can be very threatening…so be gentle.

A young woman told me about how flustered and worried she became when her classmate gave her a Valentine. Her friends made fun of her. She worked herself up worrying about what how her parents would react (she came from a very traditional family).  Her mom picked up on her tension as soon as she entered home and asked her if everything was ok. Eventually she mentioned the valentine, her friends’ ribbing and her worries…until her mom said, “Yes, he is your friend. What is such a big deal about a friend giving a valentine? Don’t let your embarrassment at your friends’ reactions lead you to anxiety and read more into a friendly overture.” 

The young woman said, "I can’t tell you how relieved I was at my mom's response. I had started to write a quelling speech in my head to my friend but my mom put things in perspective. I was a bit embarrassed because of the other girls, but really, that was their problem, not mine. Thank goodness my mom helped me understand my feelings. Otherwise I would have lost a good friendship or at least embarrassed myself further."

On the other hand, just the other day I overheard an adult tell a ten year old, “Oh, you can’t be sad. What is there to be sad in a child’s life? You are not sad; Children can’t feel sad! This is the time of your life—enjoy!” With the best of intentions (trying to cheer the child) the adult denied this child’s feelings. Why? There is one school of thought that if you deny something it ceases to exist. Such an attitude makes the child doubt her/his feelings and doesn’t teach the necessary problem solving skills. Secondly, the child feels discounted and worthless.

Does this mean we enact a big song and dance sequence out of the child’s emotional state? No! Just as we don’t want a situation blown out of proportion, we shouldn’t ignore the child’s emotional needs. 

Help your children (or students if you are a teacher) to understand the emotions behind their responses and to face them honestly. Support them especially with those emotions which evoke a negative response in you. How often do we see adults shaming, scolding a child for feeling jealousy or envy, that too in the presence of others? The idea is to teach the child to face up to the emotion, not hide it under the carpet.

Ms. S

Process vs Product: Conflicting Expectations in Education

“If you let her do it her way, there will be a lot of mistakes.”

“She’s only a child…how will she know what to do? You have to tell her what has to be done and we will make sure that she does exactly what is required.”

“Why are you not giving her more directions? Then her work will reflect what she wants to do…not what you want her to do!”

“Oh but if we can’t help her, how will she spell? She won’t be able to spell all the words because she is only in second class.”

I am in the process of compiling writing exercises with examples for primary classes. This is part of an ongoing project to help teachers think past the ‘workbook and worksheet’ culture and provide more independent writing in their classrooms. How often do you hear parents and teachers complain about their students not wanting to write?

I enlisted my niece, a second grader, for one of the assignments. On day 1, I explained to her that I was going to give her my digital camera. Her job was to take pictures of any subjects which interested her. “Keep this project in mind when you go out to run errands with your grandparents, or when you play around the house. Something is bound to catch your eye. Tomorrow when we start the assignment you will have a clear idea of what your subject should be.” I went on to explain that after I printed the pictures out, she could write her thoughts on why she chose that subject and anything else she wanted to share about her pictures.

The little girl was only too happy to assist…but the adults were puzzled. I had to reiterate several times that no one was to ‘help.’ What I wanted was my niece’s own ideas and thoughts put down in her own words. That was the crux of the assignment. I reassured them that we would work on the corrections later.

The comments from the elders in the family reflect what a lot of parents do with their children’s work…in this case it was the desire to show how well their young granddaughter could perform. It was not a need for control (as it can be in some cases) but the idea that the product or outcome has to be perfect lest it reflect badly on the child’s capabilities.

Thankfully my niece paid no heed to what was going on around her. When I got to her house on the following day, she was ready. “I want to take pictures of all the flowers in our garden. Come with me…” and we walked out together. She had a story behind each and every plant-the age of the mango tree, her favorite dish made with pumpkin, the medicinal traits of another plant…There was originality but there was also planning and sequence behind her choice.

Once I gave her the pictures, her writing expressed her thoughts coherently. Needless to say there were mistakes—some related to punctuation and a few to spelling. Fortunately she had used inventive spelling at least once.

Much later, I used her work to explain how punctuation and decoding rules can be explained…without any stress to the child.

Learning happens in the process of engaging in an activity. Making mistakes is an integral part of learning. Let us not try to eliminate it by giving too many directions, or from expecting a perfect product. Too many children develop a sense of inadequacy when we emphasize the product instead of the process.

Besides, when we hover around correcting the child’s work and molding it to our specification, the work ceases to be the child’s. 

Ms. S

Fatigue and Behavior

"Five O’clock seems to be the bewitching hour in my house. Most of our power struggles happen at this time of the day. My child becomes so stubborn that it is very difficult to manage her. Invariably we are late for the extra curricular activities, there are clashes with the other children in the family and of course I feel self conscious about being a poor parent.

Every night at bedtime, my daughter always promises to do better the next day. She knows what she does is wrong. She manages to hold it together for the following day and then she falls apart!"

My child has a tough time after school is a common refrain from parents of children with learning needs.

Children go to school after a night’s rest—this helps them manage the structure and meet the demands to the best of their ability. Even without a disability, children loose concentration towards the end of the school day. It takes a very good teacher and interesting activities to keep them on their toes in the second half of the day. This was true even during our school days:)

Concentration is an active state. It requires a tremendous amount of energy. Think about what children with learning needs have to go through. They have to work that much harder to ignore extraneous stimuli and focus on what is essential.

One of my friends who has OCD said that she spent a fair amount of time and energy trying to keep her ‘noises’ down so that she didn’t draw attention to herself. A former co-worker of mine wears a Cochlear Implant. She said that tuning out background noises and participating in everyday conversations used to tire her out that some days she went to bed at 8:00 p.m.

If your child takes medication or has an assistive device to function in the same milieu as typical children don’t forget the impact of mental fatigue on behavior. Try not to pack the week with extra curricular activities. Take a look at how you give directions and rework your expectations…give your child a break.

Ms. S

ADHD Resource

The OT blogs on my blog roll kept me occupied for hours as I lay in bed recuperating. As one blog led me to another I book marked several posts because they were such good resources for parents and teachers. 

Unfortunately I left the other laptop behind and am trying to retrace my steps to be able to share all those sites with you. I did find this amazing site from PBS on understanding ADHD. The topics on the left each have interactive links to experience firsthand some of the difficulties students have in relation to attention, reading, writing and maths.

Understanding ADHD

A big Thank You to the OTs whose blogs I scrolled to get to this site, even if I can't acknowledge your blog individually.

Ms. S

Readers in Bulgaria

Thank you for the 600+ views today...especially if you are genuine readers:) I am glad to know that there is such heightened interest on mental health issues...though I don't know how relevant my views on the RTE would be tothe situation in your country. If it is a spammer...please can you pick on someone else's blog? As delightful as it is to see the numbers go up, I am perfectly happy to have just twenty people with real needs and interests reading my posts:) And if I do move to Bulgaria I promise to elucidate on your needs... Ms. S

Minds in Bloom: Teach Your Students the Right Way to Write

Handwriting is a visible way of seeing what the child has learned. Is it a wonder then that there is so much misinformation about teaching writing to our children?

Here is an excellent post from a developmental occupational therapist on how to teach handwriting...with age appropriate ideas. I would recommend that you also read through her other posts in the same series at Minds-in-bloom. There is a wealth of information for parents, teachers (regular Ed. & special Ed), and other therapists who work with young children.


Minds in Bloom: Teach Your Students the Right Way to Write: Guest blogger,   Loren Shlaes  is a registered pediatric occupational therapist and regular contributor to the special...

Ms. S