If you’re like me and move to a new city every few years
chances are you’ve had to try to make friends all over again…a slow process
sometimes. When you work it is easier to meet people but again, it takes a
time. I have met some interesting people who share similar interests in outdoor
activities through the meet up forums.But maybe this was because it was outside India.
I decided to browse for a support group for a friend who
happens to be recently divorced and is moving to new city (within India).
My next step was of course to look for support services for her son…I should
have known better…
All I could find were groups with a list of single men willing to try
anything, never mind the divorce! My first reaction was to burst out laughing
(which I did) but then I sobered down.
If it is so difficult to have a support group for divorced
women, how on earth will I find supportive activities for her child? It brings
to mind my other friend here, who spends a good chunk of his time mentoring a young
boy from his son’s school—because the boy’s dad is not in the picture. My
friend helps the young man with his homework, and attends his football games
along with his children’s games.
My friend’s wife takes the time and effort to cook the young
man’s favorite dishes and is available to pick him up or drop him off for
appointments—the same as her children. There is neither a monetary exchange nor
a religious requirement, just a human need fulfilled without any expectation or
obligation.
I know many of us are open to helping young children whose
parent has died. We often don’t extend that support to children of divorced
parents. But to get that stage we have to first begin to treat the divorced
parent, especially women with respect. Not that men don’t deserve respect but let’s be honest, our
society does treat divorced women as second class subjects:(
Ms. S
Agree with you here. People treat divorce like a disease and instead of reaching out to the affected children they actually sometimes make their kids avoid them like plague!
ReplyDeleteFor a woman divorce can be very traumatizing. She's lucky is she has family support, but in its absence it can be very trying, especially with a kid.
One should empathize, that's all.
We have to see both sides of the coin.
ReplyDeleteI know few cases where divorced women, when given some support or concern, become cause for commotion or confusion in the family that provided the support.
In one of the case, the divorced women started having illegal affair with the head in the family that provided support to her.
In another case, the women tried her level best to chuck the DIL of the family, so that she can substitute herself in that position. Worst thing is this lady was in a very good position financially, working i an well reputed MNC and also had good support from her family to take care of her kid. I would rate her as a 3rd rate b****.
I do not blame the divorced women for this totally. But at the same time, I will not agree if someone says they are totally innocent in these cases.
Well these are specific few cases, I am not trying to generalize everyone based on this. But how many of us want to experiment with our life???
I one way Ms.S suggested a good idea, instead of such divorcees relying on neighbors and friends and getting them-self into trouble or getting the family that provided support into trouble, it will be good if we have support systems to take care of their kids when their single parent is out at work.
I am trying to hurt the single people here, But just want to stress that they should know their limits. There is nothing wrong in starting a new life, but let it not be at the cost of another person's peace.
This comment has been sitting in my mailbox for a while. I didn't want to post this without a response. We have been very busy with our move and today I have the time to put my feet up, read this in it's entirety and respond.
ReplyDeleteThis comment highlights one of the big problems divorced women face. The fact that if they do enter into a liaison with another 'family member' the woman gets the blame. For example, take a divorced man. Will the head 'woman' of the family enter into a relationship with him? What about the responsibility of the married man to his family? Is he a sacrificial goat that he is so easily led into an extra marital affair with a divorced woman? Does he have no say in his conduct? I find that hard to stomach!
Is it only divorced women who engage in affairs with married men? Single, unmarried women, married women-any woman or man can enter into such relationships for various reasons. These kinds of stereotypes actually make divorced women more vulnerable to predators (the men, the women around these men who apportion the blame only to the other 'woman'
The behaviors you cite are human vulnerabilities not restricted to one kind of women. Men have equal responsibility in relationships.
Of course friends and family should support divorced women! or, if they can't or won't they should at least stop the whispering and nudging. If there is one thing we should realize, it is the fact that life holds no guarantees. We shouldn't wait to be afflicted of a particular event in our lives to empathetic to others' needs!
Anon,
ReplyDeleteI have to disagree with you strongly there. i think such thinking is quite dangerous, since it could really deter women from seeking the help they need to end a bad marriage for instance. also, i really don't think just because she is divorced doesn't mean she is automatically on the hunt for a man to replace her husband. and the stigma you attach to a divorcee makes a courageous step look calculative. the women need support, period. and as for affairs, well single people have them too. and the man in the picture has the ability to say no, and he should if he values his marriage. but lastly. the sad thing is divorced women, especially because of such thinking, are especially vulnerable and it is these 'elderly family men' who have sought to exert their power over them. and of course when they do, the woman conveniently gets the blame...
Anu,
ReplyDeleteReads like a gut reaction but you make a very valid point. This kind of an attitude prevents a lot of women from taking the necessary steps to get out of unhealthy and unsafe marriages. And yes, in our society the elderly family men do wield a lot of power...so I don't see how they could innocent victims...