A few months ago I happened to read an interview given by Sunitha Krishnan, the young woman who does such stellar work against human trafficking. It is difficult to comprehend what young women and children have to go through in life. She nailed it when she said that rape, sexual abuse is normalized by our community at large.
Yes these incidents happen in all countries and communities. But it is an undeniable fact that in our society, the victim is still blamed for the injustice…and the perpetrator(s) almost always walk free.
We have started acknowledging that sexual abuse is prevalent in our societies as well…but when do we move to the next step of finding justice for the child? Or the adult victim? When are we going to talk openly about predators so we can protect other children? To get to that step though we must first acknowledge that rape and sexual abuse are not ‘normal.’ We must feel a sense of outrage for the victim and revulsion at the perpetrator.
Even well wishers and close family members advice the victim to ‘forget’ and get on with their lives. Why do we close our eyes and mind to the trauma that the child endures? Is it because it is easy for us not to face facts?
A parent of a child abuse victim gave me her wish list for this post:
- Don’t discuss my child’s experiences like it was a juicy piece of gossip.
- My child is probably the best advocate for other children. So treat him/her with respect.
- You will never truly understand what my child faces or what we as parents go through. So don’t tell us what you would have done differently!
- Recovery is a life long process. There will be ups and downs. Even if you have my child’s welfare at heart, do not tell him/her that bad things happen; and that he/she needs to move on.
- Don’t ask “Why didn’t you say something earlier?” My child was terrified.
- Don’t ask me “How could you not have known?” That question haunts me.
- Be outraged on every child’s behalf. If you know someone who is not safe around children, let other parents know. Your silence makes you responsible for what happens to other children.
Thoughtful post reiterating an issue that cannot be emphasized enough.
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, I just read another piece couple of days back that talks about the troubling recent history of violence against women in Indian nationcal capital, which has become a capital of another sorts.
http://the-diplomat.com/indian-decade/2012/04/08/being-a-woman-in-india/
There are a couple of comments I'd like to make:
As much as the problem - the problem of acceptance and moving on more than the problem of the crime itself - is pronounced in India with it social and cultural taboos, this is not an issue local to so-called developing or "third world" countries. If what I have read is anything to go by, western societies are equally bad in blaming the victims. There are enough conservative groups and individual charismatic nuts everywhere to justify such atrocities against women, quickly jumping to blame the way they conduct themselves or dress, which seem like easy to pick on.
Recently came across these pieces that highlight this:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/04/08/kym-worthy-s-mission-solve-11-000-rapes.html
There is a link in that article that points to the lack of progress in the US in investigating these crimes leading to any kind of prosecution:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/04/09/a-needed-revolution-rape-and-u-s-justice.html
And then there's this recent news about how the victim is being punished.
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2012/04/15/jailing-rape-victims/
The article in the NYT that it refers to
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/16/us/california-prosecutors-defend-detention-of-teen-rape-victim.html?_r=1&hp
That being said, it is the part mentioned above about how to deal that is typical in India. In one sense, it is akin to solving the problems of an alcoholic (or even an addict) or "fix" the mental health issues of men by marrying them off ("That would automatically take care of the problem").
The only exception I would take - with the acknowledgement that it is difficult to be in her position and take the same view and the fact that I am a man so I may not be qualified to make any assertion - is to the point
Don’t ask me “How could you not have known?” That question haunts me.
There is plenty of evidence at least on the western world to suggest that many mothers/wives are culpabale by ignoring and keeping silent when the specific type of fraternal abuse that goes on in the family.
Part of it is due to fear of a controlling and potentially violent fathers/husbands but the other part is the inertia to deal with it. As much as one can be sympathetic to the fact not everyone has a solution or the wherewithal to address a problem as deep as this, I think the question can be asked of them "How could you have not known? Or done something about it (like talking to someone at least)?"
Hari,
ReplyDeleteI agree, there will always be people ready to blame it on the victim-no matter where you are from. In fact the most recent scandal is with student exchange program run by the US State Department...and the accused is said to have explained it away as the 'culture' in the US. What was even more horrific was that the state department tried to cover it up!
We need to move beyond being aware of it. We have to recognize that victims need therapy...in some cases for long terms.
victims need justice. It is not something that people can say "it happens, get over it."
Children who report abuse need to be believed. My favorite contemporary quote is "Children need to be Seen, and Heard, and Believed." Too often adults brush off a child's accusations as "Oh that can't be. you've misunderstood." In fact one victim mentioned how her dad took her cousin's (the predator) side and accused her of making things up!
We need a system where we can report cases of abuse. Only the other day a parent mentioned how she saw the school auto driver holding a little girl on his lap...and his actions made her uncomfortable. Her description concerned me enough to prompt her to call the parent...what was interesting was that there were other parents around and no one thought to tell the man to stop touching the child. This is because we do not want to get involved! But we can't walk away, can we? We can't want people to respond one way when it our child and we respond a different way when it it is someone else's child.
Why didn't you say something? is one question that will never get anywhere. It puts the blame on the child. The reason a lot of children don't talk about it is because they think it is their fault.
Similarly asking a parent, how could you not know is only liable to wound more. The fact that they were not able to protect their child is one thing that most parents struggle all their lives.
In most countries when you work with children you have to police checks and fingerprint clearance. In India it is very easy to gte a police clearance...the policeman comes to your house and asks you questions and in some cases you bribe and you get your police clearance. But is there a database of offenders to check? No!
I have worked in many countries...and everywhere I go I have to produce clearances from government bodies where I've lived. Think of all the people who come to volunteer in our schools, orphanages and other places with children. How many agencies do a back ground check of all the people who come there? I haven't heard of even one. This is a very real danger to our children. Do we run a check for our teachers, Ayahs and other people who come in contact with children?
It is not enough to raise awareness of sexual abuse. We need to move to the next stage...of developing a database of predators and providing justice to the children.