Parents' Role in Joint Families (part 2)

As an adult there is one concept I question constantly—the idea of fitting people into ‘roles’ and ‘sacrifice’ in a family. My siblings and I understand that our parents grew up in a different period and didn't have the skills necessary to confront their situation. We do not hold grudges or any anger towards our parents. Unfortunately it is not so easy for them. Only last month, my eighty year old father cried in a bout of depression about having failed us. My mother can never forgive herself for not saying ‘STOP.” 

Now when we look back we realise that our parents too were at fault. They didn’t stand up for us. They go too caught up in the roles that were handed down in the name of duty. Whether on the playground or within families, you must stand up to bullies. That doesn’t mean you go for a head on collision. That can only result in more friction and possibly severe injury. You must analyse the motives behind the other person’s behavior, be aware of their tactics and play your hand carefully. Why? So you can protect your children and teach them how to stand up for themselves.

My siblings follow certain rules to ensure that our history doesn’t repeat with our children.

•  Yes, we support our parents and each other, and our in-laws, but never at the cost of our private wishes and goals. What we do give up, we do so willingly because we want to. We say a big NO to Emotional Blackmail.
•  W
  hen there are conflicts with elders and siblings, both husband and wife need to know how to handle it. This way we teach our children how to handle conflicts in an effective manner.
• We support each other emotionally and financially but we never take each other for granted. My sister and I understand that our brothers have to care for their families first.  My brothers understand that our choices in life are different from that of their wives’.
• We do not manipulate each other. When we have strong differences in opinion, we agree to disagree. When we meet after a period of time, we start afresh instead of harping on what was said at such and such time. Is it easy? No. But it is necessary.
• We do not believe in a perfect family. But we do believe that we have a responsibility to provide a happy family for our children. We accept that our criteria for happiness may have some similarities and differences. So we do not carry tales, compare our children, or belittle each other. When one sibling’s child makes a mistake we support the child no matter how much we dislike the actual behavior.
• We work on our communication skills—we want our children to learn that you have to think before you speak, and say what you mean. We do not complain about each other to the children. We believe that they shouldn't be asked to evaluate the adults in their family—parents, aunts and uncles or grandparents.  
• Whatever our frustrations with our spouses, in-laws and siblings, we never take it out on any of the children. It is not their fault that we can’t make ourselves understood to the other adults.
• We know we can’t afford to be naive about new family members. So we teach our children that any marriage is not better than no marriage. None of them will ever have to put up with difficult or mean in-laws for fear of appearing imperfect in society.
• We  expect and  accept that for each of us, our children come first.
• Lastly, we leave the past behind. Is it easy? No! There are moments when the old doubts resurface...we remind each other that we make the choices in our lives. To relive the past is to forgo that choice. Plus it protects us from physiological problems like BP, Diabetes caused by stress.

Unique to our Indian society, the joint family system can work either which way-based on how the family members follow their boundaries. The emphasis on interdependence has to be matched carefully with the need for independence. Mostly we hear of conflicts from the perspective of the adults...but as the writer says, the emotional ramifications in the children are significant. Parents must understand that their submissive or aggressive behavior impacts their children and they need to develop better interpersoanl skills and conflict resolution skills.

Having said that, a well managed joint family where there is respect, understanding and the will to 'live and let live' can be a tremendous support in times of stress. When a child has a mental health disorder, doing it alone puts a lot of strain on the parents. Supportive extended family members go a long way in dealing with the strain and in helping the child regroup and cope.