Listen, Share and Talk

Children open up when they feel that the other person is listening to them. So practice your listening skills:

• Wait until your child finishes talking. 
• Watch your body language and your facial expressions as you listen. If the content shocks you, stay calm and continue to listen. 
• Before you start giving advice or your opinions, find out what your children expect from this interaction…are they looking for someone to listen? Are they looking for reassurance? Or do they want your help?
•  Express your honest opinions and feelings in response—only watch your words. Children respect your point of view if they feel you are being honest with them. They can pick out when you utter a lie to tide over that situation.
• Use your judgment—sometimes they may not realize the magnitude of the problem. They don’t have your years of experience. Having said that, don’t react to every problem with the same intensity. Else they will worry about your reactions and won’t share their concerns with you.

Share your feelings:

• You know you care but do they? Show them in your day to day actions and words. Don’t wait for a crisis.
• Set aside time for each child—do something with each one separately. My husband talks about his weekly walks to his mom’s office for an ice cream treat. Each of his siblings had one evening set aside for the special treat. This is from thirty five years ago:)

Talk about conflicts, emotions, mental health and support services:

• Don’t glorify suicide. Honor, pride and being stubborn don’t have anything to do with it.
• Be factual about the possible causes. Don’t make light of it either. 
• As a society we are very melodramatic. TV shows and movie abound with absurd quotes on how suicide is the answer for all kinds of ‘evils.’ Discuss why these are irresponsible statements.
• Discuss mental illnesses as treatable conditions.
• Discuss the different options available to get help—who do they call? Where can they find information?
• If a friend or family member committed suicide, seek professional counseling services for the survivors—start with therapy; don’t jump to medication. Coming to terms with grief is a time consuming process and there are no short cuts. This also prevents copy cat suicides.
• Resist the temptation to do the guilt trip, “Think of the people who are left behind.” The focus should stay on their emotional needs.
• Make time to understand yourself—what would shock you the most about your children’s choices? Why? What values and ideas will you compromise on and what will you hold to be absolute? Why? Prioritize these in your mind.
• Assess your own conflict resolution skills. You can’t teach your child skills you don’t have. So make a conscious effort to improve your skills.

Ms. S

Contact Information

A big thank you to the parents who asked me to post the contact information where it would catch their eye:) I got engrossed in the planning and organizing that I missed out on this vital detail. Another thank you to those who persisted until they found the information.

Just a heads up, I'm back in Chennai from September 25th to 29th...email me in advance if you'd like to meet up for information and programming needs. For my regular correspondents, thank you for adapting to my rushed schedule:)

Ms. S

Suicide and Internet Forums

In the (g)olden days gossiping behind people’s backs contributed substantially to our suicide numbers. In our enlightened technological age, it is the comments on social networking sites and interestingly enough, on public forums, which add fuel to the fire.

In face to face conversations our innate inhibitions serve as a safety catch. Whatever our abilities (or the lack therof) in the social skills arena, we follow a code of behavior regulated by our cultural/social views. We agree the anonymous messages are rude and vicious. In most societies calling someone names is considered rude and reflects badly on the speaker. Similarly comments on others’ physical attributes, financial, social and family situations follow a very fine line. Yes, I agree…not everyone has the ability, empathy or the self confidence to know and follow this rule. But then those who cross this line are considered rude, self absorbed, gauche, uncouth and in some cases unpleasant.

But the anonymity offered by the internet is the perfect cover for all kinds of behaviors to crawl out of the woodwork. Where we would stop to think about how the other person may feel, we type in the first thought which comes to our mind. We justify this with righteous indignation, BLOCK LETTERS and over use of punctuation marks!!! After all, the recipient is an anonymous poster and we have the final say in the matter.

There is no safe haven from those who want others to kowtow to their views—be it a thread asking for advise on classroom adaptations, a thread on family issues…just last week I found one on a thread about a particular brand of luggage. A vituperative opinion on the luggage thread may not do much damage, but replies to people who are emotionally vulnerable can push them over the edge.

What can be done? If you are participating in a discussion on a cultural/social/religious value and someone challenges your views or moral stand:

• Take a walk
• Go get a drink of water
• Write a reply on a word document and delete it
• Try not to respond…but if you feel you absolutely must, rewrite a more logical and polite response
• Assess whether the other person really cares what you have to say—is it really a debate or just two people at loggerheads?
• Go to sleep and post your response the following morning
• If none of the others work, maybe you too have a problem—seek professional help.

Remember, some of the posters who are asking for advice are very vulnerable emotionally. Your opinion is not worth their lives. Besides this will help your children when they get to go on Facebook and Twitter!!!

Another word of caution...the internet is not really that anonymous. In cases which have been tried because children/students/adults have commtted suicide thanks to comments online, prosecutors have been able to trace the person because of IP address and such...so watch what you say out of self preservation if not out of compassion for the unknown poster.

Ms. S

Individuals' Contribution to Suicide Prevention

Organizations, educational bodies and laws may provide a framework of guidelines. But it is the individual's insight and compassion which result in social change.

What can we do?

Let’s start with the silence…keeping quiet about a suicide only serves to hide the problems. The events/conflicts leading up to the suicide are still present. So talk to your children about the conflicts in their world—some children need more structured guidelines to come to you. For others open ended discussions asking for their opinions and steps that they’d take to resolve the conflicts helps them thinking in the right direction. Besides they need to know that their parents are their resource.


A friend’s teenage daughter had a classmate who became pregnant…and her parents kicked her out of the house. I still remember my friend’s advice to her daughter—"I don’t want you to make choices which lead you to get pregnant. You still have the boundaries and responsibilities to yourself and to us. But if something happens, come to us. We will not handle it the same way."

Talk about and remember the person who died by suicide. What was the person’s experience? How did he/she seek help? As for why the person chose suicide, some questions have no clear answer. It is something we have to derive from our understanding and love for that person. But don’t be afraid to discuss it.

One of the most common myths held about suicide is that it is a coward’s way out. And that it doesn’t take into consideration the people who are left behind. Explain to your children that there is more to it than taking the easy way—most people who commit suicide have gone through severe depression or a traumatic event. It is difficult for them to see what lies ahead. Let us not add the burden of guilt to those who already struggling with their mood disorder or the lack of control in their environment. It is not about the survivors.

Again, make your intentions clear to your children—say out loud “I will listen to you even if I don’t agree. I will be there.” Most kids don’t approach their parents because “No one cares,” “No one listens,” “They’ll start telling me what to do.” Don’t assume that just because you feed, clothe and provide shelter that your children know you care. Some children need to hear it too.

That last bit about telling them what to do—remember we arrive at our knowledge after years of making mistakes and learning from them. For some grieving children social, cultural and religious views provide the necessary guidance and emotional support. Not so for others. These children have a need to learn from their own experiences and mistakes. If that’s how they learn, support them. This is not the time to thrust your views on them. Besides, your actions may actually turn them against your point of view.

More to follow...

Ms. S

Mental illness? Normal people who mess up someone's life purposefully...

Were that it were so...

It might make life bearable for all those people who see their loved ones suffer. How many families hope for a life that ends naturally, and never by one's own hand? But then I came across this poignant article by Anita Darcel Taylor about the choices she has or is denied...

Click here to read more...
By My Own Hand

Ms. S

Only the family knows the truth behind this…

"Of course they say it is because she failed in school finals…but maybe it is a cover up for something else. Who knows?”

That was the talk around the colony after the young woman had killed herself. I was too young to understand what was being said, but I do remember my aunt’s restlessness, grief and anger. The girl’s parents were her close friends.



"How does society function without the basic decency to let parents grieve? What is the purpose behind these speculations? What ghouls!” she vented when she could no longer hold it back.

I remember walking with her to all the social meets at the clubhouse and at people’s homes. I never understood why we went to these gatherings when she was so angry with some of the people there. Since then I’ve realized that this was her way of supporting and standing up for her friends. As soon as we entered there would be loud cheerful talk. We were always greeted in a very loud voice…now I realize that it was a cue to those who were gossiping. The talk became whispers; the whispers gave way to nudges and glances. Then different people would come up with different questions or topics…it was so obvious that they were changing the topic.

I guess this is one aspect of the power of a community—people can empathize and be very supportive because they can step into the other person’s shoes. They can look beyond the social or cultural divides and see just a human being in need. Or they turn ugly in their demand to satisfy a need for drama or perceived slight to a code of social/moral values.

For those in need of drama, I say we dissolve Prozac or Paxil in their water. As for social and moral values, no matter what we say to justify our stance, they have always evolved. What else can you say about people who think it is ok to sacrifice a life or hound a family because of personal needs for aggrandizement?

Fear of society is still one of the biggest reasons that families don’t talk about suicide in our country. The surviving members don’t get the necessary support and not surprisingly, are at risk of committing suicide themselves! Children and adults don't know the signs (besides the anxiety and depression during exam time) and people still believe that "It is all talk, he (she) won't do it."

It is very hard to change this. Talking of changing society or other people is just that, talk! True change has to come within ourselves. All we need to do is take care of our words, actions and thoughts.

Sometimes going to social gatherings is all it takes:)

Ms. S

World Suicide Prevention Day

Everyone of us has been touched by suicide at some point in our lives—a friend, a friend's friend, a classmate, a family member, a neighbor...

Is there nothing we can do about it? Actually there is. Smile, acknowledge the other person, listen...these tell the other person that they are part of your community. You never know who needs that reassurance.

World Suicide Prevention Day is on September 10th.

Click here for more information on what's being done around the world this year.

Ms. S